Real Shit (Mixed Thoughts) Lost Files....
Is there such a thing as perfect happiness? Maybe it is in a fucking fairytale or some made up story where the girl always gets the guy or vice versa. I swear some people get the fairytale and others get the nightmare. I swear my ass got stuck with the never ending nightmare. I don’t understand why the fuck I have to be tortured and pushed to my fucking limits every day. It makes no fucking sense. Is the bare minimum too much to ask? It must fucking be. I swear if it is not one thing it is another with me.
I can never catch a fucking break. I hate to be so fucking negative, but seriously why the fuck do I go through stupidest shit and deal with dumb ass people every damn day. I am actually on the verge of just cutting everyone the fuck off and just going about my fucking life. I can only take so fucking much. All the judgment, depression and stress that shit is really starting to take its toll on me. I am always doing everything by myself and I am at my final stage and on the edge of the truth of me just being by myself.
I always sit and think of how my life was. What my life is now and what I want it to be. I make little changes every day and I make a huge step in my journey to being an adult and it never seems to fail that every once in a while I hit rock bottom and it sucks. I am tired of being kicked while I am down. I am a great person who does great things. Any time I open up to people I have the backlash of it blowing up in my face.
My life was way different then. I was this kid who always found a positive light in things. I was also the kid everyone took advantage of and did not have any friends. The “friends” I did have were just a pen and paper. I would write everyday whether it was at home or at school. All my thoughts, my pains, my triumphs, my goals, and so much more were written down. I was that girl guys only wanted to talk to because they thought that if they said the right things or got friendly enough I would have sex with. Sadly for them I didn’t have sex with any of those fools because I saw right through them. I was a hardworking middle class thinker. I might not of worn all the name brands, but I knew all about them and always had my face in a fashion magazine. I was an easy going person with a lot of unknown issues. I tried so many different things to help me out and a lot of them just did not work unless it dealt with writing. I loved to talk people to death, but writing was all I had.
Back then I was a caged free spirit who was somewhat sheltered from the world. I had my own room in the basement which wasn’t the best room, but I took advantage of the fact that it wasn’t fixed or going to be fixed anytime soon. The walls were not redone and at the time my words were coming undone as I took time and wrote on the walls every day. I remember how I would make room when I filled it all up just because I knew I always had something to say or write. No body invited me to games and people treated me a way, but I got used to being lonely and kept it that way. I guess I was the one who shut everyone out. I did it in fear of being hurt in the end anyway. That was all I knew and that was who I was. I was the one always getting hurt at the end of the day. Even my own family made a point of mocking me. My siblings always thought it was funny to send me to my breaking point and say stupid ass shit to me like “you were adopted” or “no one claims you”. The truth was I didn’t need to be “claimed” I wasn’t a piece of property I was a child. I was always the odd one out. It isn’t that I felt that way, but it was the reality I refused to accept until I saw really paid attention to the way I was being treated.
My life now is not really all that different, maybe a little more damaged. I went from being super depressed and alone to being happy and a little more optimistic. I realized my self-worth and made a little something of myself. I have 2 kids and I blog. I am still in the military and writing every day. I might be miserable and stressed out, but that has nothing to do with my kids. I am a lot more of a firecracker and a hot head who has become impatient with life. People are always telling me that my blessing will come and I am sure it will. Right now it is not here so it is not really helping me. I sit here and think about some of the relationships I have and it honestly does nothing but piss me off. My relationship with my dumb ass sperm donor, my relationship with my mother, my relationship with the fucking idiot I am with now, my relationship with my kids and my relationship with my writing. I guess that is another post waiting to happen.
What I want my life to be is a little mix of what it was and what is now. I know it sounds weird, but every moment of my life has been a little bitter sweet and I actually mean that shit. Some of the shit I have been through has been a lot of bitter ass, petty ass moments. While other moments have been sweet and the best things that have ever came my way. I haven’t come to that final conclusion people have, but I want the basic dream any girl has. I want to be married, have a big house, have a pretty car, have the option of buying labels, and feel that great independence I once had a little taste of. I want real neighbors and close friends. I want my kids to have friends and go to school and graduate in one freaking place. I want to be settled and comfortable. I don’t want to be rich or famous or anything like that really. I just want to be a wonderful and comfortable mom who can keep her kids comfortable.
Bottom line there is nothing wrong with an occasional vent and there is nothing wrong with evaluating things and people around you. Not everyone is who they seem to be. You will have moments where you win and there will be losses along the way. It is not about how many times you win or lose , but about what you do with all of them. Sometimes you have to really take it all in and move forward. Don’t worry about what people are doing to and for you. Worry about what YOU are doing to and for yourself.
Take My Word…xoxo
JaLeigha
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